Chapter Text
Luigi walks into the jazz club cautiously, and as he walks down the stairs, he already hears laughing.
“I’m gonna help y’all out. I’m gonna show you the difference between my kingdom and the Mushroom Kingdom.” Daisy’s saying on stage. “Mushroom Kingdom? Castles. Sarasaland? No castles.”
The audience laughs.
“Goombas? Neither. They’re from the Darklands, but the Mushroom Kingdom’s crawling with them. Sarasaland? We've got Hiyoihoi. A rock-throwing giant. Yeah, it's as fun as it sounds.”
Luigi takes his seat, not taking his eyes off of her.
“Mushroom Kingdom’s got warp pipes, Sarasaland has magic carpets. I kid you not. It looks like something straight out of 1001 Arabian Nights.”
The audience claps.
“Mushroom Kingdom? Mushrooms.” There's a few chuckles before Daisy goes on. “Sarasaland? Flowers. And whether you call it a Pakkun Flower or a Piranha Plant, it means one thing: one of you’s gonna go home with a full belly, and it ain’t gonna be you.”
That’s the biggest laugh so far.
“Lot of you don’t know this, but Sarasaland has its own magazine. Sarasaland Tabloid. Naturally, they always put me on the cover. But it’s always when I’m doing something un-princessy. Like I’ll be trudging through the desert to get here on time, and a few days later, there’s my picture. For an ad for cigars in the Chai Kingdom. And fine, if that’s how Sarasaland makes bank because I’m not there, who am I to say no?”
Then she steps back and returns with the magazine, opening the page and holding it up.
“Do me a favor, come up to the stage and tell me what you see.”
One by one, the audience complies, while Luigi hangs back to see what happens.
And then, slowly, the audience starts laughing as they sit back down, and once enough have seen it, Daisy says,
“If you’re gonna snap an unflattering photo of me for your cigar ad, for the love of the stars, have the decency to remember my name isn’t Peach !”
Luigi chuckles.
“And if that wasn’t bad enough, listen to what the blurb says.” Daisy holds it up so she can read it. “’Princess Peach trudges through the desert for fun’.” She scoffs. “You’re supposed to be referring to me, and you think I trudge through the f*cking desert for the fun of it?”
The audience laughs.
“Now listen up, folks.” Daisy gets serious for a moment. “These guys behind me are awesome. They’re tackling as many worlds as they can, and just came here all the way from the Pi’illo Kingdom. Be on your best behavior, you got that? Real applause, not that crap you tried to pass on me or the bullsh*t your poor wives have to use on you so you’ll let them go to sleep. Johnny Mushroom and the Kingdoms.”
Shock laughs.
As the band begins to play, Daisy gets off the stage and goes right to Luigi’s table.
“You came.” She says, sitting next to him.
“I didn’t think I would either.” Luigi admits. “First time.”
“No, you?” Daisy jokes. “Well, that makes two of us.”
She hands him a cigar, which Luigi takes, noting it’s the same cigar from the ad, before lighting it and settling in to watch the band.
Somehow, Luigi finds himself outside with the band.
“I lost count for how many times they threw the book at me.” Daisy says now. “Just because my language is too foul for a princess. Or maybe it’s for a lady, who knows? ”
“That many, huh?” a band member asks. “Guess that knocks me out of the running.”
“I’m just glad it was only once.” Another band member says.
“Twice.” Luigi finds himself admitting, which gets everyone to stare at him.
“You get we mean being sent to jail, right?” A band member says.
“Yes…” Luigi shrugs, taking another puff of his cigar.
“What did you do, not look both ways before crossing?” Another band member teases.
“Foul language and pulling a woman’s clothes off on stage.” Luigi informs them.
“Are you serious?” Johnny demands. “I think I like you a lot more now.”
“This isn’t a cigar, is it?” Luigi realizes, taking the offered joint and holding it up, then sniffing it. “I smelled this all the time when me and my brother were in trade school. Here I was thinking we just had a skunk problem. How’s it work?”
“Hold it in as long as you can, then let it out.” Daisy instructs.
Luigi surprisingly does it really well, which Daisy notices.
“How are you not coughing?”
“Am I supposed to?” Luigi asks, blowing out smoke.
“Only if you need to.”
“Good.” Luigi smiles, but Daisy still looks worried.
“How’s it feel?” she asks.
“How does what feel?” Luigi asks, confused. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be feeling. I think I’m…okay. Really good, actually. What are we supposed to do? Do something?”
“I think you need another hit.” Daisy suggests, so Luigi does, reaching for the photo Johnny is holding.
“Ador--” now he coughs. “sh*t, there’s the cough. Is this kid yours?” He asks.
“Last he checked.” A band member jokes.
“Shut it.” Johnny says.
“Adorable.” Luigi pronounces, looking at it.
“You have any?”
“Twins. One of each.” Luigi replies.
“You got any photos?”
Luigi thinks on it and realizes. “Oh fu--”
“I swear to the stars, I wouldn’t be able to get up on stage if I didn’t know my wife was taking care of everything at home.” Johnny says. “Love of my life, that’s what she is.”
“You’re on.” An employee from the club comes out of the back door to say.
“Daisy, ready to introduce us?” a band member says.
“Me? I’m just as stoned as you.” Daisy shakes her head. “At this point, I’d say my name is Peach.”
“I’ll do it.” Luigi offers. “This is something I can do. Perfect!”
Without thinking, he shoves his jacket and wallet at Daisy and rushes inside, not waiting for permission.
“What just happened there?” A band member asks Daisy.
“Don’t look at me.” Daisy says, taking another hit.
“Hello!” Luigi says into the microphone, everyone wincing when there’s feedback. “Ready for the band to come back out here?”
The audience cheers and applauds, while Daisy sneaks in to sit off to the side.
“Okay, show of hands, who’s never been to a jazz club before tonight?” Luigi asks, raising his hand.
When no one else does, Luigi says, “No one else? Huh. I really am a prude.”
The audience chuckles.
“Never thought my first time would be with a jazz band. Every Italian mother just felt a chill go down their spine.”
The audience laughs again.
“So, I was just talking to the band outside, as you do.” Luigi goes on. “And Johnny decides he’s gonna pull out—" The audience starts laughing before Luigi finishes, “His wallet. You really think I’d talk about what some guy’s doing with his dong? Well you’re right. He pulled it out for a pissing contest.”
More shock laughs, so Luigi moves on.
“So he shows me a photo of this adorable little baby. And another one asks me if I have any of my own. I do, so I said so, and they ask to see a photo. Which is when it hit me. I don’t have a single one.”
Luigi looks around the room. “Twins. One boy, one girl. Not one photo of either of them. But my pockets, let me tell you.”
He starts emptying out his pockets onto a table on stage.
“Subway tokens. A pack of tissues. Tin of mustache wax. 3 moisturizers.” Here, Luigi looks up to explain. “2 holes, 3 different moisturizers.”
More shock laughs, as Luigi continues.
“Nail clippers, cigars, even a Schick electric razor.” Luigi holds up the razor. “Ladies, now you know what that buzzing in the bathroom really means.”
The audience laughs.
“Seriously, if anything happened to my kids, and they asked me to describe them, all I could say is, ‘They’re my kids. One’s got two eyes, the other one…also has two eyes.’”
Then he holds up a book. “ Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s read this f*cking piece of sh*t.”
Several cheers from women in the audience.
“Dr. f*cking Spock.” Luigi says, opening it up. “Never read so much as one page, until my kids started taking turns staring at me when I wake up. Not like a, ‘wake up’ staring either. No, they’re staring at me like they’re onto me.”
Luigi claps the book shut. “I thought at first, ‘Okay, they’re kids. They do that.’ But if they were just a little older…”
The audience laughs.
“So I opened up my copy.” Luigi says, holding it up. “One thing I read is ‘the child supplies the power, but the parents have to do the steering’. What kind of horesh*t is that?”
Now even Daisy’s laughing.
“That’s all he can say to me? ‘Your kid owns you, but try to reel them in anyway’? Believe me, I never had the chance of reeling anyone in, let alone my own kids. So now I’m stuck with a book that costs the same amount as a good moisturizer that gets everywhere. And on top of that, now it’s got me thinking, ‘Why am I a father at all’?”
Here, he looks right out at the audience. “Why did I think I could do it? Just because you’re not squeamish, doesn’t mean you should be a doctor. Just because you like airplanes, doesn’t mean you become a pilot. I love my kids, but that doesn’t mean I should be their dad, like this book bound for the library is suggesting.”
Luigi drops the book with a thud, looking at it as he says, “I’m a horrible person.”
Then he looks out at the audience again. “Men are trained to be the providers of the family. That’s supposed to come naturally to us. Just like this is.” He grabs his crotch for emphasis. “You got the equipment, do whatever it says.”
The audience laughs in shock.
“Is that how it is for every man?” Luigi demands rhetorically. “What if a man’s just happy out on the open road? Or fixing pipes in his blue collar job? What if a man’s sole purpose in life is to just spend it all talking?”
Then he realizes, “Stars, what’s happened to me that I’m suddenly blurting all this out? My kids are gonna sniff it out. They’ll walk into my room, take one whiff and tattle on me to their grandpa. sh*t.”
More laughs.
“I thought I came out here to have fun. Listen to jazz, smoke some dope with a gang in the back alley.” Luigi laments. “And what am I doing instead? Dreading and doubting on an empty stomach.”
Luigi looms around. “Seriously, I’m so f*cking hungry. Is there any bar food I can sponge off of someone? Is Princess Daisy really as exciting as she acts on stage? Like when she goes to bed at night, is she all,” he deadpans. “‘Hey, where are my gloves’? and when she’s on stage, she’s all.” He waves his arms like a crazy person. “Peach sucks. I hate Peach. f*ck Peach. Hey, I saw some nuts!”
He rushes off stage and picks up the bowl in front of Daisy, stuffing the nuts in his mouth.
“Honey roasted. Yum.”
Daisy just stares at him, prompting Luigi to ask, “What’s with you?”
“You forgot to introduce the band.” Daisy whispers.
“Oh, right.” Luigi dashes back to the stage. “Johnny Mushroom and the Kingdoms!”
The audience applauds, and the band begins playing as Luigi gets off stage.
He sits next to Daisy, who’s still staring at him, shaking her head.
Luigi only shrugs, and keeps munching away on nuts.
